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I'll miss you

I'll Miss you squall. <3

Today is excellent.

I had a great first day. This job is going to be sooooooooooo much better then PetHell. so much.

when i got in this morning there were beautiful roses waiting for me on my desk with a lovely card from Rev. Barb. I almost cried. Legit. I haven't even DONE ANYTHING and already these people are being kind and treating me like a person. how novel. and i got like six lovely emails welcoming me from people i havent met yet. Its freaking insane. and i got compliments for my work and told that i will be an asset to them. its just fucking crazy. THIS is a job. what i did before must have been my stint in hell. seriously. I have a HUGE office, a brand new fast computer my own thermostat...windows, stuff a comfy chair i get to SIT in. its INSANE . just INSANE. I work on my own schedule since im salaried. i have keys so i can come and go as i please. I work five to six hrs a day and get weekends off. wtf is this!? ahahah its just crazy. I'm loving it. so so much. i was a little anxious about leaving PetHell but not any more. not for one second. nope.


Good Bye Forever, My Darling Weather...

Today was my last day at PetHell. It was bitter sweet. some people were very kind to me and seemed genuinely sad i was leaving, others not so much. I dont know what i was expecting, even after three years of loyal work- but somethign would have been nice. Their the ones who are fucked now. They have no idea how much i do there, they thougth their numbers were bad before..just wait and see how badly they tank now. no one else in my department is as skilled as i am. its just sad. i feel for the animals so much cause they are the ones who are going to suffer the most. oh well. not my problem any more, see it never really was.

i'm ready for this next phase of my life. i know that i will continue to be lonely, and even more so since i'll pretty much be working by myself but oh well. thats life. hopefully i wont loose all contact with my friends from PetHell. Time will tell i guess. Win some loose some lonesome. hahah

I really do have mixed emotions which i will stuff in the Ugly Box with the others so i dont have to deal with them. I'm still so worried that everyone is leaving me behind again. but i will try and ignore that feeling and just carry on, we carry on tho your dead and gone we carry on.

Oh well. whatever. bye bye beautiful, dont bother to write. disturbed by your words and their calling all cars, face that step down take that step down.


Days go By...and We all Start Again...

I can't believe its been a whole year.
a whole bloody year.
a whole year to the day since i sat down and cried. i mean sobbed till my heart broke. which is what happened this day a year ago.

a year since we sold Serenity
a year since Lokomotive died in that awful crash.

a whole damn year filled with misery. I am proud i didnt cry once this year. its quite an accomplishment. but when i WANTED to cry today it took six shots of 100 proof vodka and a list of signifigant songs to wring the tears. and they werent even what i wanted. i KNOW what i wanted but that's not allowed any more. and i resisted. so half hearted tears are all the release i got. I feel a little better, a lot drunk. but the pain is still so sharp. i dont know why i feel i have to concentrate ALL my pain on one day but i did, and it didnt work. all i could cry about was the loss of my truest companion and 46 people i never met but some of whom i loved very dearly.

its not fair.

The Running Free- Coheed and Cambria (serenity and Zips song)
Feathers- Coheed and Cambria
Alibi- 30 sec. to Mars
Kings and Queens - 30 sec. to Mars
Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance
Ghosts of You- My Chemical Romance
My Heart is Broken- Evanesence
Swiming Home- Evanesence

and SIX shots of russian vodka.

this is all it took too make me mourn. it shouldnt have been so hard but after suppressing all the pain for a year i guess i got as much as i can expect.

I love you serenity. i miss you every day. Buffy is never going to compare to you. I hope your still alive. Running free as only you would be if you never owed us anything.

Lokomotive- the team as come back but your memory remains. Six of you were Atlants. I loved you. i love all of you. it still hurts. so much. I pray for your families all the time and i know it hurts them more. Never forget.

Now. reset the clock and go for another year without tears. I think i can do it. one down infinity to go.

My Heart is Broken

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).

omg. they traded brandon and artem for shit...horriable awful columbus blue jackets shit. I cried so hard in the car driving home, i dont even know. i just dont know. i feel so betrayed and hurt. i knew it was way too quiet that they were being too careful. but i didnt think it would cost me two of my favorite things. my head hurts so much. i threw up in the drive way i had been crying so hard. an dnow Thor has decided to gift me with a huge lightening storm. thanks so much universe thanks . ruined a wonderful day i had with Hilary. well i guess i cant let it can i? i had a wonderful day. these are just things right? ugh kate is so upset, brandy was her favorite. im glad we can get drunk together in just TWO DAYS. that will make it better.

i knew this was coming but i had hoped if i ignored it it wouldnt happen. but it did. and im so so sorry babies. you deserve soooo much better. not shitty columbus. what a mother fuckign waste.

artem; start screaming, claw kick bite whatever but GO HOME. Russia would be so much better for you. go home and help rebuild Lokomotive. Just go home. find you way out and fast. dont show up break your contract whatever it fucking takes but dont leave russia. stay in the khl with me.

brandon: i have loved you so long. so long. julia said losing you is like loosing one of our best friends. she was right. i feel like i know you personally we've been together so long. we will mourn you. many of the loyals will. a ranger true blue and forever. try your best to escape. or fail the physical. that would work too . just dont get stuck there. get a one year deal and next year COME HOME. or go somwhere where you will be better used. i love you. always will. you will be missed so much my big brown eyed problem child.

i love both of you. and im sorry. soo soo sorry. about a lot. but mostly you guys.

Bootsies back!!!

Raina has been recaptured!! at about 330 am lol.

so heres the end of her adventure:
after searching for her for hours and just sitting out talking to her mom and i went inside to go to bed. at like 230 am i went down after signing out of aim to pee and take my pills for my headache mom and i were talking in the kitchen where she was sleeping.
all of sudden the sensor ligth is triggered and i see her bolt back under the car and back to the creek so we went out and talked to her. she still wouldnt come out but we knew she was still super close. i felt better just seeing her. since that means the dogs didnt get her so i just went back upstairs to lay down.
so i went up to bed and was praying
and all of a sudden i felt so peaceful and my head stopped hurting and not ten minutes later mom comes into my room and flicks on the light and goes "get in here" and in trots poosh and boots haha
like nothing was wrong
mom went out and sat on the deck for an hour and sang to her and she finally slunk up the stiars for food and mom tossed her in the house.
she was fine. not a scracth on her. little monster.

so for the record God does listen even to the stupid things about lost cats. and i am so greateful. so very very greateful.


Raina got out. i'm so scared. she just bolted right out the door. we searched for her till it got dark , then sat outside and waited for her. please god just let her come home. i'll pay any price i just want her back safe. please just let her little face appear at the back door in the morning cause she's hungry. give her the sense to find her way home. she didnt go very far...pleas dont let her have gone very far. let her be brave and come home. her sister is crying for her. im crying for her. everyone is crying. god please dont let her be gone forever let her come home to us. the lid is cracking off the ugly box and the tears keep escaping in little waves. please i love her so much. i know shes flakey but please bring her home safe to us in the morning. or even tonight. help her find her way home to the people and sister who love her. please god please i m begging. im sorry for whatever we did to deserve this. im so sorry. please, forgive me, or us and bring her home. you didnt make her to live outside thats why she is ours....please. please. i just want her back . keep her safe from the dogs and the animals and the weather. please bring her home before the rain comes. please let the cyotes tha were just soo so close and killed something not have gotten her. please god. please im sorry im so scared. please. i want raina back. your a merciful and loving god you know how much she means to us. please bring her home safe.
in your precious name Jesus please bring her home.


One Among the Fence....

Here we are. Do or die. I have a strangely calm feeling about this all. maybe i'm just resigned to fate either way. i dont want this to be over WE ARE SO FUCKING CLOSE! ITS JUST INSANE. bah. but last time you pulled it out...and then the time after that. you are the come back kids. it just wish it could be easier. god knows you could make it easy on yourselves.

go kick some ass. I know you can do it if you just get your shit together and your heads out of your collective asshats. Goal in the first and remind them whos the First in the east....

come on. i need this.
You all piss me off so much. that is all.

Search and Destroy....

OMFG my computer is back to amazing!! thank god for Ed! hahah sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!

Now. on to you who make me patently unhappy all the time.

BRANDONS INNNNNNNNNN!! YESSS!! welcome back dearest beloved (and usless) mouth breather!! I (didnt) miss you! Im glad your better (right?). please bring new life to our offence (im not holding my breath but at this point everyone helps)

to bad your not up with usless slovak. he is pissing me off the most. maybe he'll get his shit togehter eventualy and help us put these fuckers away. the Kings already killed off phx and now will have time to sit and rest up while we envitablly grind this shit out to another game seven. it doenst need to be that...god no. but you are aiming to make it that arnt you? you stupid fucks. if you just manage to win tonight this shit could be over as soon as friday, instead of dragging out to sunday. you know that right? some one is screaming that at you right?
because if their not they need to be. and beatign you. god how i would beat all of you black and blue....grrrr.

poor dz had a rough game and understanably so :( poor pookie. but you need to rebound buddy. we need you. you all need to rebound!!

WIN DAMN YOUR USLESS SOULS (if you have them, im pretty sure two of you dont)!! THIS IS WAR!!